August 21, 2012

MOVING DAY

First, I just have to say that I am going to miss Lauren when she heads back to Alexandria, VA on Thursday.  The past week since we met has included some of my favorite moments of NYC past or present...

As per her instruction (Yes, SHE is in charge no matter what she tries to tell you.  I informed her today that she should be my manager,) here are the top 10 funniest moments of the day:

10.  Forgotten Hand-Truck- Admittedly, the first part of the day went very smoothly, except for one tiny detail that would have helped us out tremendously.  Lauren met me at the Budget Truck Rental lot, and we sailed somewhat smoothly toward Judy's home (my old home) in Brooklyn.  I had eaten a DD muffin and had an extra large coffee, so I was flying high.  Now, while I was on the Subway to head to Budget I did realize the Hand-Truck that had been lent to me was left behind, but it was too late to turn back.  Whoops.  This eventually resulted in me on one end of the furniture, and Lauren and Judy on the other.  Judy is normally a power-house when it comes to lifting, but new (and apparently impatient) baby Benjamin ruptured her Hoo-Ha on entry.  Needless to say, she is on light duty until her poor Hoo heals.  We managed quite well in spite of the lack of the Hand-Truck, and I now have a desk, my couch and one of my dressers at the new apartment.  Thanks, Judy!  Hope your Hoo gets better real soon!

9.  Half a Donut - By the time we had loaded these items, Lauren and I were just a little dehydrated and hungry.  Lauren purchased refreshements at the DD (Today's show is brought to you by the letters DD,) and we split a celebratory donut in the cab of the truck as we drove off.  Lauren gave me the larger half of the donut.  I did not object.  Little did we know this would be our last food for a quite some time.

8.  Tombstones, Trains and Towers - The GPS on my phone (before dying on us!!!) directed us to drive up McDonald Avenue from Judy's residence.  For those of you who are not familiar, McDonald runs UNDER the F line of the MTA.  Perfect timing put us directly under a train heading in the same direction, so most of our conversation on McDonald Ave had to be screamed.  We were also treated to sights of the graveyard that give Gravesend (Judy's 'hood) its name.  We talked of how silly it is to create mausoleums for the dead, and I pointed out that many of the tombstones (Tomb-Log?) seemed to be trying to be the tallest in the graveyard.  "Hey!  Look at this log on top of my tomb!  I'm the tallest!  Notice ME, I'm DEAD!"  I guess it works...

7.  Drug Bust - We had avoided the Battery Tunnel going into Brooklyn, because it was designated for cars only.  On the return, however, Lauren noted that the clearance was over 11' and we were only 9' so we could take the tunnel instead of waiting for entry to the BQE.  Now, in the process of trying not to drive into other vehicles, road-blocks and walls, all the while taking instructions from the GPS on my phone via Lauren, I apparently missed a sign that told me where trucks of a certain size should go.  Lauren soon noted that I was being waved over by an out-of-vehicle officer.  GREAT.  After looking condescedingly at me for a few seconds (Must ALL New Yorkers be so nasty?) he spoke, "All trucks must be in this lane for drug inspection.  If you'd been paying attention, you'd have seen the sign."  Instead of saying all the things I would have liked to at that moment (Dear Officer...,) I merely apologized and handed him the necessary documents.  I was then instructed to open the back of the truck.  It's too bad I didn't have a cargo-hold full of exotic animals ready to pounce instead of boring old furniture.  I was cleared, and we continued on our way...

Side Note:  Apparently, you can't take drugs through tunnels, but you CAN take them over bridges...  Hmmm...

Our route then took us DIRECTLY UNDER THE FREEDOM TOWER.  I was so close I could have touched it.  Well, with a 100 to 200 ft pole maybe.  I was so excited and shouting and looking that I probably WOULD have missed a sign for drug inspections at that point!

6.  Sheila and Schedules - We pulled up to the apartment, and my friend Charles arrived shortly after with bicycle in tow.  As he went to lock "her" up, Lauren asked "her" name.  "Sheila," was the proud response.  I later commended Lauren on picking up on this important detail, and making Charles feel special.  We got the furniture in with little trouble, and then headed to the storage unit with Lauren sitting in the imaginary seat in the middle of the cab.  I was just lucky there were no drug inspection points in the few blocks to the storage unit, or we may have had bigger "immigration" fish to fry!  There are certain moments when you realize that smart phones truly have taken over our lives.  I had one of these epiphanies during this ride when I realized I had been talking for 5 minutes straight with no response from my cab-mates.  Charles was so distracted by his "schedule" that he barely spoke to us all day.

5.  Granola Bars - Things at the storage unit went almost perfectly (there always has to be a moving day tragedy,) but due to a severe lack of food, I watched helplessly as sugar levels plummeted and moods went south.  Luckily my stored bins of food saved the day with offerings of granola bars.  This was a much better option than drinking honey straight out of the bottle or doing shots of Grand Marnier, and definitely helped us through the rest of the afternoon.

4.  Guitar Lamp/Death of Turntable - During our last load from storage, Lauren placed my encased guitar on her back.  Finding an errant lampshade (and after deciding wearing it as a hat would severely impede her vision,) it ended up on the neck of the guitar.  Hysterics and a photo session ensued.  Oh yeah...  And my record player died today.  Moving tragedy of the day.

3.  Acetabula - Did you know that some people have more shallow acetabula allowing them to have more range of motion in their hip joints?  Did you know that acetabula is a word?  Now you do (and somehow in my delusional state of dehydration/exhaustion I am doing the splits in the storage building while waiting for the elevator.)

2.  Drag Bag - There are those costume items that become legend.  It just so happens that I own the boots I wore in The Rocky Horror Show.  Every time Lauren saw a large shoe-box emerge, "Are those the boots?" was her question.  We also discussed the fact that I have enough drag items to constitute a "Drag Bag."  Somehow Lauren ended up getting a photo of her carrying the show shoes from Rocky, Whorehouse and the Drag Bag all at once. 

1.  Show tunes - Charles left us before the last load (Many MANY thanks for your help, Charles!,) and then Lauren and I headed to Budget to return the truck IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.  Lord.  Needless to say I "Blocked the Box," got yelled and honked at, and pulled the most AMAZING box unblocking feat of my life.  Due to having to get gas, we ended up in the SAME BOX mere minutes later.  More shouting (and shouting, nay, SCREAMING back!) until I figured out an alternate route.  Truck returned, aaaaaaaand aaaaaaaalmost done.  Lauren and I walked to Arriba! Arriba! to replay our lunch from last week (this time with fewer mouth blisters,) and I did my best Drag Queen Out Of Drag rendition of every song that played.  I blame El Papa and little sleep. 

2 1/2 hours of sleep later, here I am at work.  Overnight.  Alone.  God.  Help.  Me.  Zzzzzzz...