* = Name, gender and title removed to protect the INDREDIBLY GUILTY of blindly listening to and retelling blatant falsehoods.
I hung up on my *. I HUNG UP ON MY *!
This was the first time in my life that such a thing has ever happened. My * has said plenty of insensitive, uneducated and brain-washed things before. "The earth is only 10,000 years old." "Satan was God's right-hand man before blah blah blah (somehow this lead to the fact that Israel is God's chosen nation, and "All the other countries should just leave them alone so this doesn't become a One World Government.")" (WTF?)
So. What got me this time? Blatant bigotry and racism (not that I hadn't heard some of it from * before.)
Now, don't you just love how people will say, "It's not racist, it's the truth!" or some other qualifier to let you know they aren't the ones in the wrong? No. I'm pretty DAMN sure I just heard you say something so offensive that I had to slam down the phone in order to keep myself from screaming at you at the top of my lungs in my place of work.
What did my * say to incense me so? To paraphrase, "He is a Muslim, and they want to GET RID OF ALL WHITE PEOPLE."
!!!SLAM!!!
For nearly an hour after this happened, I thought I might vomit.
Today, * called me to apologize. I returned the call. We picked up almost exactly where we left off. This time I held my cool while scoffing at the racist, brain-washed nonsense spilling out of * mouth. "She is an angry woman who HATES WHITE PEOPLE." You mean her relatives, *? You do realize her husband is half white...?
During this conversation, I came out of a "second closet" to my *. I told * I am an Atheist. When * started to uphold all of the religious, political, spoon-fed, bull-shit ideas, I finally said, "I do not believe in God." I explained my journey to the Land Of No Belief twice just so * won't get the details mixed up in the future. This includes my growing up gay in a very religious family, trying desperately to appeal to God and finally getting married to a woman to "change" me. Hopefully * listened as I explained that I was extremely afraid as a child knowing I was going to Hell because they told me it was so. Hopefully * listened as I explained that I am now free of that fear due to letting go of my "faith." Hopefully * listened as I explained that a great deal of research and thought has brought me to where I am, and has a great deal to do with the way I vote.
Why is it so wrong to try to keep discussions of a human nature here on earth? Why must they always turn to their reasons based on their faith? Do they not realize the circular logic and hoops they have to jump through to justify their bigoted lies? The conversation at one point went something like this (Highly paraphrased, and spurned by the accusations of Islamism.):
Me - "I remember when I went away to college, you were so afraid that I was going to become a Mormon."
* - "Mormonism is a false, made-up religion."
Me - "All religions have unique origins in our history. You just need to do some research to see where your own religion comes from, and the other religions that it is borrowed from."
* - "I believe in the True God."
Me - "Muslims believe Allah is the True God. What if they are right and you are wrong? You do realize that if you had been born in the Middle East, there is a great chance that you would not be a Christian."
* - "Yes."
Me - "But you're going to vote for a Mormon?"
* - "I'm going to vote for a man of God."
The moral of that conversation is... what, kids? Right:
BETTER TO VOTE FOR A (WHITE) MORMON (EVEN IF YOU THINK THEIR RELIGION IS FICTION) THAN TO VOTE FOR A PERCEIVED (ONLY BY THE PEOPLE (AKA YOUR RELIGIOUS LEADERS AND FOX NEWS) WHO FEED YOU THIS BULLSHIT) MUSLIM.
That seems like some racist, bigoted nonsense, no? No matter what facts are presented, people of any god can contradict, dodge, restate and lie themselves blue to get out of a corner or to make themselves feel better. It is some of the most impressive mental gymnastics I have ever been witness to. Would it not just be easier to take your god out of the equation and state your true feelings? The answer to this is no.
GOD IS AN EASY OUT. JUST BLAME YOUR (insert noun of choice such as bigotry) ON HIM.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
September 6, 2012
I was working my way through my address book this morning, and came across the name of a friend of mine from my first years of living in NYC. She was a member of Synergy Fitness (later Boom!) which was my first job in NYC. We had become friends by talking over the front desk there about life. She was in a constant battle with breast cancer, and even on her worst days on Chemo she would be at the gym. Her disposition was always sunny and optimistic, and she was always very honest when speaking of life and hope.
After coming upon her name in my address book, I decided to Google her to see if she had a LinkedIn page or perhaps another social page. She was a lawyer, so I also thought she may be linked to a website. Anyway, the point is that I had not spoken to her in several years, and thought it would be nice to connect and have that dinner we always used to talk about having together.
The last time I saw Regina was in 2009. I was staying with Darryl on the Upper East Side, and had run into her on the street while she was walking her dogs. We spoke again of having dinner together, and she gave me her card.
After coming upon her name in my address book, I decided to Google her to see if she had a LinkedIn page or perhaps another social page. She was a lawyer, so I also thought she may be linked to a website. Anyway, the point is that I had not spoken to her in several years, and thought it would be nice to connect and have that dinner we always used to talk about having together.
The last time I saw Regina was in 2009. I was staying with Darryl on the Upper East Side, and had run into her on the street while she was walking her dogs. We spoke again of having dinner together, and she gave me her card.
I have kept her card in my wallet ever since. I knew that I would want to contact her when I returned to the NYC. What I didn't know at that time was that Regina must have been very near the end. I remember it was warm when we last met, and upon my search this morning I discovered that she passed away 8/26 of that year. A few months later, Darryl and I were in DC.
Regina was a darling person, and I will always remember how lovely it was to be in her presence. Her card really represents her well: Direct. Happy. Colorful.
Her family has made sure her legacy will live on at www.reginajabbour.com. I can't wait to get home from work today so I can listen to Regina sing; a pleasure I never got to enjoy while she was here. R.I.P, Regina. I miss you.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
August 30, 21012
I broke some ice this week, and went to my first audition in NYC in probably over 3 years. A dear friend of mine who has cheered me on in all my endeavors past and future tipped me off to this audition. Immediately, I began to make excuses as to why I couldn't go: I don't have a current headshot. I might be tired. I haven't finished working on my resume. The possibility for rain is 0% that day. I need to have the apartment 100% in perfect order and spotless with all my music sorted, selected and practiced on 50 of my closest friends first... Mostly, though, I was just scared.
"Where did the past few months of confidence building go?" you may be tempted to ask. I asked myself the same question while cowering in fear under my bed. To be honest, I have let fear dominate my life in so many ways in the past, and that is exactly why I am back in NYC. I am here to "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway." (Susan Jeffers)
So, I went home on the morning of the 28th after work, gathered my materials from their various hiding places, went to the internet cafe to print my resume and was off to the studio. I arrived around 12pm, and the monitor told me I could be seen at 12:30. I have to say that I love this perk of being an AEA (Actor's Union) member. If this had been a non-union call, I would have had to be there at 4am just to get a spot. The half-hour window gave me time to sit and try to remember to breathe as I put together my headshots/resumes. As some of you may know, I have developed a nervous system disorder over the past few years that causes constant muscle twitching. This gets worse when I am stressed, and I could have sworn that my left leg was doing its best to make a run for the door with or without me. My heart wasn't helping matters as it tried to escape by pounding out through either the top of my head or the bottoms of my feet.
There was a dodgy moment when I stood up and almost passed out, but I conquered this with some more deep breathing and somehow managed to make it to the waiting line. I had pulled a song that I already knew by heart, and was prepared to sing the whole thing with pre-selected gestures and motions. However, the audition monitor informed us a few minutes before I went in (I was first in my group) that we should sing 32 bars. This cut my already short song in half, and I had to count backward from the end of the song to see where I should begin. This left me no time to think about my "moves" before going in.
Now, people just LOVE to give TMI. The monitor very kindly informed us that the music director for the show would be in the room, and that it was very rare for this to be the case. Oh THANK you, Mr. Monitor! Now I can add the need to PUKE to my list of maladies for the day.
One more deep breath, and I was in the room. The people in the room were cordial and friendly, and after giving my music to the piano player/MUSIC DIRECTOR, I sang. My voice was ok. Steadier than I thought it would be. My body, however, betrayed me. Where were all those practiced motions we had planned? Time slows down inside your head during these moments, and I was shouting internally to myself, "What are you DOING?" as I repeated the same hand gesture for EVERY LINE of the song. Well, then. There, now.
The casting director thanked my very much for coming in, and I thanked them all profusely before heading back out into the hallway. The actor following me told me I sounded good (I had shared with him that I hadn't auditioned in a few years.) All in all, I can't complain. It was not the end of the world, and now each audition can only get better and easier from here.
For those of you who don't know "The Business," this was an EPA (Equity Principal Audition,) and it was required. This means that it is made mandatory by the union for the show to hold these auditions, and they are not necessarily looking for actors. Once in a while they will hire someone out of these "cattle calls," but most actors just use them as an opportunity to hone their audition skills.
My goal in the future is to audition my pants off, and be much more aggressive regarding my career than I was in the past. I won't bore you with EVERY audition I go to in the future, but I wanted to share the fact that I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST ONE! AND I DIDN'T DIE!
"Where did the past few months of confidence building go?" you may be tempted to ask. I asked myself the same question while cowering in fear under my bed. To be honest, I have let fear dominate my life in so many ways in the past, and that is exactly why I am back in NYC. I am here to "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway." (Susan Jeffers)
So, I went home on the morning of the 28th after work, gathered my materials from their various hiding places, went to the internet cafe to print my resume and was off to the studio. I arrived around 12pm, and the monitor told me I could be seen at 12:30. I have to say that I love this perk of being an AEA (Actor's Union) member. If this had been a non-union call, I would have had to be there at 4am just to get a spot. The half-hour window gave me time to sit and try to remember to breathe as I put together my headshots/resumes. As some of you may know, I have developed a nervous system disorder over the past few years that causes constant muscle twitching. This gets worse when I am stressed, and I could have sworn that my left leg was doing its best to make a run for the door with or without me. My heart wasn't helping matters as it tried to escape by pounding out through either the top of my head or the bottoms of my feet.
There was a dodgy moment when I stood up and almost passed out, but I conquered this with some more deep breathing and somehow managed to make it to the waiting line. I had pulled a song that I already knew by heart, and was prepared to sing the whole thing with pre-selected gestures and motions. However, the audition monitor informed us a few minutes before I went in (I was first in my group) that we should sing 32 bars. This cut my already short song in half, and I had to count backward from the end of the song to see where I should begin. This left me no time to think about my "moves" before going in.
Now, people just LOVE to give TMI. The monitor very kindly informed us that the music director for the show would be in the room, and that it was very rare for this to be the case. Oh THANK you, Mr. Monitor! Now I can add the need to PUKE to my list of maladies for the day.
One more deep breath, and I was in the room. The people in the room were cordial and friendly, and after giving my music to the piano player/MUSIC DIRECTOR, I sang. My voice was ok. Steadier than I thought it would be. My body, however, betrayed me. Where were all those practiced motions we had planned? Time slows down inside your head during these moments, and I was shouting internally to myself, "What are you DOING?" as I repeated the same hand gesture for EVERY LINE of the song. Well, then. There, now.
The casting director thanked my very much for coming in, and I thanked them all profusely before heading back out into the hallway. The actor following me told me I sounded good (I had shared with him that I hadn't auditioned in a few years.) All in all, I can't complain. It was not the end of the world, and now each audition can only get better and easier from here.
For those of you who don't know "The Business," this was an EPA (Equity Principal Audition,) and it was required. This means that it is made mandatory by the union for the show to hold these auditions, and they are not necessarily looking for actors. Once in a while they will hire someone out of these "cattle calls," but most actors just use them as an opportunity to hone their audition skills.
My goal in the future is to audition my pants off, and be much more aggressive regarding my career than I was in the past. I won't bore you with EVERY audition I go to in the future, but I wanted to share the fact that I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST ONE! AND I DIDN'T DIE!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
August 25, 2012
"Michele Bachmann thinks natural disasters are a warning sign from God about government spending4 — but she claims there "isn't even one study" that carbon pollution is dangerous.5 Bachmann implied that Democrats could be the cause of the swine flu, and said the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation,6 while repeatedly voting to restrict access to birth control and to deny women life-saving medical care." - Becky Bond
One of my biggest questions for religious persons is, "Why don't you want to take credit for your successes?"Think about it. When something that is seen as "good" happens to someone, they give all the credit to their god. What about the hard work, sweat and determination they put into it? Is is that they don't want to seem boastful for taking the credit? Or do they really think that god gave them the strength necessary to get through, and they couldn't have done it without that assistance? I have done everything in my adult life without the thought of god, and I have done fine for myself.
I guess it could come off kind of self centered. "I'd like to thank all the people who helped, and praise be to ME for finding the courage to follow through on my dreams." We are all very scared of sounding like braggarts, and are told that we must be humble at all costs. I guess this means that we are not allowed to take the credit for any good things we do in our own lives.
The flip side of this coin is that apparently their gods are not responsible for any bad things that happen. Perhaps this is just a way of only seeing the good in situations. Take for example a natural disater that claims thousands of lives and leaves just a few. We all know that these types of tragedies are inevitable in our volatile world. Most people claim that earth was created by one god or another, and so wouldn't that mean that those gods are directly (or at the very least indirectly) responsible for it? We do not hear, "God took the lives of thousands of people today," but we DO hear, "God mercifully saved the lives of these select 30." What made them so popular with god that day?
Even the Xtian Bible includes incidents of a wrathful God smiting people, and yet I can't imagine the repurcussions of blaming God for any of these natural disasters today. What if someone stood up and actually blamed God for a disaster? INSTEAD, Xtians find the need to blame humanity instead. "It is because of your sinful ways that this tragedy occured," some say. SOOOO, in a round-about you ARE saying God did it, but by blaming humanity for invoking His wrath.
I'm so very confused by this roundabout way of thinking and processing data. Why not just state facts.
We live on the earth.
It is a volatile environment.
Once in a while this leads to a disaster that claims human life.
Where does or should a god ever enter into this, even if said god was responsible for our universe? Looking back on the history of humanity (minus the fairy-tale books of religion which are not valid as having been proven wrong time and again,) we see no evidence of a god ever intervening to save OR take human life.
Friday, August 24, 2012
August 24, 2012
Once in a while you can do a small good deed for a stranger, and really add to your daily happiness. This morning, I woke up not feeling my best (sore throat/swollen eyelid.) This led to not the best of moods, especially since I was hauling all of my work clothing with me to work this morning.
A young man stepped up to me, and asked me if the train on the express track went to Fulton St. Even though I know the A train does, I made sure to check my phone app to be completely certain and gave him the affirmative. He thanked me and walked a ways down the platform. The next train to come in was the D train (which does NOT go to Fulton!) I saw that he was going to get on the train, so I hustled down the platform and caught him by the arm.
"Not this train," I explained. "You need to take the A train." I then walked back up the platform to my place of waiting. As the next A train pulled in, he looked to me and I gave him an affirming nod. He nodded back, and we both entered the train.
It's the sort of thing that makes you feel good! These kinds of opportunities abound in NYC, and I have always been amazed by the helpfulness of strangers in this city.
In the past I have made a few blunders, and sent people on the wrong train only realizing my folly once the doors close. As I imagine them cursing me when they make the realization that they have gone to the Bronx instead of Brooklyn, I can only be happy that in a city of so many people I will probably never run into them again.
This leads me to thinking about how different the city feels to me this time. The shiny has definitely been rubbed off, but the horrible rushed/cramped feeling that I felt before is also gone. If you had asked me if I thought I would feel so CALM here, I never would have answered positively in the past. But, here I am... CALM.
A young man stepped up to me, and asked me if the train on the express track went to Fulton St. Even though I know the A train does, I made sure to check my phone app to be completely certain and gave him the affirmative. He thanked me and walked a ways down the platform. The next train to come in was the D train (which does NOT go to Fulton!) I saw that he was going to get on the train, so I hustled down the platform and caught him by the arm.
"Not this train," I explained. "You need to take the A train." I then walked back up the platform to my place of waiting. As the next A train pulled in, he looked to me and I gave him an affirming nod. He nodded back, and we both entered the train.
It's the sort of thing that makes you feel good! These kinds of opportunities abound in NYC, and I have always been amazed by the helpfulness of strangers in this city.
In the past I have made a few blunders, and sent people on the wrong train only realizing my folly once the doors close. As I imagine them cursing me when they make the realization that they have gone to the Bronx instead of Brooklyn, I can only be happy that in a city of so many people I will probably never run into them again.
This leads me to thinking about how different the city feels to me this time. The shiny has definitely been rubbed off, but the horrible rushed/cramped feeling that I felt before is also gone. If you had asked me if I thought I would feel so CALM here, I never would have answered positively in the past. But, here I am... CALM.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
August 23, 2012
One prevailing thought clouds my mind as I sit here this evening. Part of my reading tonight took me to yet another statement by an Xtian declaring that Atheists reach their non-belief as a result of being hurt by the church in their past. I hear this all the time when receiving a "rebuttal" from a person of Faith. This raises a question:
"Why would you come to the conclusion that I have been hurt by your loving, all-accepting religion, unless you are conceding that your church routinely hurts people?"
Chew on that for a while...
And then consider that I have NOT been hurt by the church. Sure, I went to church with some assholes as a kid. Yes, I was treated badly by them, outcast and called names. The church is absolutely filled with these kinds of hypocrites. Of that there is no doubt.
BUT, consider the amount of people who still seek a relationship with God even though they know the church they attend does not accept them for who they are. If you are right that I am an Atheist because I have been hurt by the church, then by that same reasoning all gay people should be Atheist. Why? Because your precious Book condemns us to the Fiery Pit. Yet, this is not so. Many gay people still seek a relationship with an unseen force.
No, friends, I am not an Atheist because I was hurt by all of you. Stop being so conceited as to think that you have that kind of power over me!
I am an Atheist because I have looked at History. I have read about where your religions and your gods started, and by whom. I have looked at the scientific record of our earthly home.
It is because of these things that I reject your gods. And I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. I have no fear of death, and no fear of any after life (or the consequences of being wrong about my choice of gods.) I live my life believing in the humanity of people, and the scientific explanations behind the things we do. Life is finite, and I therefore love completely and treasure each moment with my fellow beings.
Love...
"Why would you come to the conclusion that I have been hurt by your loving, all-accepting religion, unless you are conceding that your church routinely hurts people?"
Chew on that for a while...
And then consider that I have NOT been hurt by the church. Sure, I went to church with some assholes as a kid. Yes, I was treated badly by them, outcast and called names. The church is absolutely filled with these kinds of hypocrites. Of that there is no doubt.
BUT, consider the amount of people who still seek a relationship with God even though they know the church they attend does not accept them for who they are. If you are right that I am an Atheist because I have been hurt by the church, then by that same reasoning all gay people should be Atheist. Why? Because your precious Book condemns us to the Fiery Pit. Yet, this is not so. Many gay people still seek a relationship with an unseen force.
No, friends, I am not an Atheist because I was hurt by all of you. Stop being so conceited as to think that you have that kind of power over me!
I am an Atheist because I have looked at History. I have read about where your religions and your gods started, and by whom. I have looked at the scientific record of our earthly home.
It is because of these things that I reject your gods. And I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. I have no fear of death, and no fear of any after life (or the consequences of being wrong about my choice of gods.) I live my life believing in the humanity of people, and the scientific explanations behind the things we do. Life is finite, and I therefore love completely and treasure each moment with my fellow beings.
Love...
August 22, 2012
I've been thinking a lot about my Atheism recently, along with reading many posts/blogs about Atheism. A post this morning about another person becoming "saved" at age 11 prompted me to remember my own "saving."
My brother Grady is and has always been big on all things Xtian. It was one warm summer day that he coerced me into "accepting Jesus into my heart." I remember sitting on a tiny stump in our yard (which always felt like me to be a magical place where fairies and goblins were just out of reach) and allowing this to occur. There are two very prevalent memories about this day for me. One is that I had to be coerced into this act. I very distinctly at the age of... 6? remember not wanting to do what Grady so desperately seemed to think I needed to do. Honestly, I don't know if this was because I felt I was being put on the spot, or if I truly had misgivings about the whole business. Either way, I was not enthusiastic about this event, and he had hounded me about it for some time. My second memory is that as soon as I had done this deed and prayed for my own salvation, Grady and his friend Roger ran off to play without me. There I was, newly "saved" and just as unimportant to my brother and his friend as I always had been.
My family had taken me to church my whole life before this afternoon. We sang together as a family at church services, and my mom wrote in my baby book that my favorite Sunday School song as a 2 year-old was "Deep and Wide." I did love the music portion of church, and singing was really the only part of the service I liked. Weddings, funerals and Sunday mornings bored me to tears, and although I made valiant efforts to pay attention and read The Bible, I never felt a thing.
Oh sure, I felt some of the same euphoria back then that other church-goers experience when they are singing. At least I think I did. I do remember always wondering why I couldn't feel God's love the way others seemed to. They say there is a "God Area" of the brain, and music plays a big part in fostering that euphoria people feel when attending church. This "God Area" makes people feel a presence other than themselves and other humans, and this is how people "know" there is a God. Maybe my "God Area" never developed.
I know I am not alone in this, but so often I felt awkward in church. The raising of hands, the speaking in tongues and the long exaggerated prayers felt empty to me. I always felt that I was playing a part, and ended up pretending I had experienced certain feelings and experiences when I actually had not. Eventually I ended up going to a quieter church next door to the ministry choice of my family where my best friend attended. It was a place where I could ponder these teachings without being buffeted by the evangelical music and over-emphasized, emphatic pleas to God. It was here that I began to try to read The Bible in earnest, prayed for my sins to be taken away, and even helped create a music program so that I could perform. But, alas, even these experiences did not bring God to me.
It has taken me many years to unwind all of the church's teachings from my mind, and to find who I truly am. I think back now on all of these experiences of my youth, and wonder what life would have been like for me if I had not felt the need to play along. When you are told something is the truth, and when you fear retribution for not following, you try like crazy to conform. This has lasting consequences that take years to erase.
I can honestly say that I am here today a strong, happy man. Confident in what I do not believe. Assured that I can be (and AM) good without God.
My brother Grady is and has always been big on all things Xtian. It was one warm summer day that he coerced me into "accepting Jesus into my heart." I remember sitting on a tiny stump in our yard (which always felt like me to be a magical place where fairies and goblins were just out of reach) and allowing this to occur. There are two very prevalent memories about this day for me. One is that I had to be coerced into this act. I very distinctly at the age of... 6? remember not wanting to do what Grady so desperately seemed to think I needed to do. Honestly, I don't know if this was because I felt I was being put on the spot, or if I truly had misgivings about the whole business. Either way, I was not enthusiastic about this event, and he had hounded me about it for some time. My second memory is that as soon as I had done this deed and prayed for my own salvation, Grady and his friend Roger ran off to play without me. There I was, newly "saved" and just as unimportant to my brother and his friend as I always had been.
My family had taken me to church my whole life before this afternoon. We sang together as a family at church services, and my mom wrote in my baby book that my favorite Sunday School song as a 2 year-old was "Deep and Wide." I did love the music portion of church, and singing was really the only part of the service I liked. Weddings, funerals and Sunday mornings bored me to tears, and although I made valiant efforts to pay attention and read The Bible, I never felt a thing.
Oh sure, I felt some of the same euphoria back then that other church-goers experience when they are singing. At least I think I did. I do remember always wondering why I couldn't feel God's love the way others seemed to. They say there is a "God Area" of the brain, and music plays a big part in fostering that euphoria people feel when attending church. This "God Area" makes people feel a presence other than themselves and other humans, and this is how people "know" there is a God. Maybe my "God Area" never developed.
I know I am not alone in this, but so often I felt awkward in church. The raising of hands, the speaking in tongues and the long exaggerated prayers felt empty to me. I always felt that I was playing a part, and ended up pretending I had experienced certain feelings and experiences when I actually had not. Eventually I ended up going to a quieter church next door to the ministry choice of my family where my best friend attended. It was a place where I could ponder these teachings without being buffeted by the evangelical music and over-emphasized, emphatic pleas to God. It was here that I began to try to read The Bible in earnest, prayed for my sins to be taken away, and even helped create a music program so that I could perform. But, alas, even these experiences did not bring God to me.
It has taken me many years to unwind all of the church's teachings from my mind, and to find who I truly am. I think back now on all of these experiences of my youth, and wonder what life would have been like for me if I had not felt the need to play along. When you are told something is the truth, and when you fear retribution for not following, you try like crazy to conform. This has lasting consequences that take years to erase.
I can honestly say that I am here today a strong, happy man. Confident in what I do not believe. Assured that I can be (and AM) good without God.
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